My name is Tony. I'm the greatest loser you'll ever know. I'm broke. My wallet has dust on it. I'm unemployed. I'm unemployable. So is my whole family. I don't have my own place. I live with my mom. I can't drive. I can't even ride a bike. I did have a bike-tire parked up my ass-crack, though. I'm still a virgin. I haven't had a girlfriend in 15 years. I've been beat up, arrested, robbed, mauled by animals, stalked, starved, dragged around a parking lot by my own mom's car...You name it. This blog is like religion: just believe it. Everything I tell you is as true as I am stupid.
BMW bitch kills a man with her car, and there won’t be any charges against her…
It was HIS fault, because he jaywalked…as opposed to WHAT?
THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN QUINTARD.
THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN ANNISTON!!
I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY IN 16 YEARS!
THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I’VE BEEN TO WHERE THERE AREN’T ANY MUTHAFUCKIN’ CROSSWALKS!!
I MEAN, LITERALLY: WE ACTUALLY SAY TO OURSELVES “Gee, y’know what? This crazy-ass place ain’t got no muthafuckin’ crosswalks! What’s up with THAT?”
EVERY TIME ANYONE CROSSES THE STREET, THEY ARE JAYWALKING!
JAYWALKING?!
YOU CAN ONLY BE JAYWALKING IF THERE ARE CROSSWALKS!!
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS JAYWALKING HERE!
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CROSSWALKS!!
I CAN SIT MY ASS IN QUINTARD AND TAPE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CROSS THE STREET IN INCOMING TRAFFIC PRECISELY BECAUSE THERE ARE NO PEDESTRIAN-ASS CONTROLS AND NO CROSS-FUCKIN’ WALKS!!
THEY HAVE NO CHOICE!!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE CRAZY-ASS FOOLS TALKING ABOUT?!
SO, WE JUST CAN’T CROSS THE STREET, THEN!
THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SAYING!
IT’S OKAY TO RUN PEOPLE OVER!
ENCOURAGED, EVEN.
SERVES US RIGHT!
"Aw, he’s a black guy. Nobody will miss him. They’ll make more!"
I GUESS SO!
IF IT WERE ME, I’D SUE THE CITY, THEN. IF THE LADY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE THE GUY JAYWALKED IN A PLACE WITH NO CROSSWALKS, AND THE GUY JAYWALKED BECAUSE CROSSWALKS DON’T EXIST, THEN HE WAS KILLED BECAUSE THIS STUPID-ASS CITY DOESN’T HAVE ANY PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO CROSS THE GODDAMN STREET!!
IT’S THE CITY’S FAULT!
COMPARATIVE NEGLIGENCE, MUTHAFUCKAZ!!

BMW bitch kills a man with her car, and there won’t be any charges against her…

It was HIS fault, because he jaywalked…as opposed to WHAT?

THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN QUINTARD.

THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN ANNISTON!!

I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY IN 16 YEARS!

THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I’VE BEEN TO WHERE THERE AREN’T ANY MUTHAFUCKIN’ CROSSWALKS!!

I MEAN, LITERALLY: WE ACTUALLY SAY TO OURSELVES “Gee, y’know what? This crazy-ass place ain’t got no muthafuckin’ crosswalks! What’s up with THAT?”

EVERY TIME ANYONE CROSSES THE STREET, THEY ARE JAYWALKING!

JAYWALKING?!

YOU CAN ONLY BE JAYWALKING IF THERE ARE CROSSWALKS!!

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS JAYWALKING HERE!

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CROSSWALKS!!

I CAN SIT MY ASS IN QUINTARD AND TAPE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CROSS THE STREET IN INCOMING TRAFFIC PRECISELY BECAUSE THERE ARE NO PEDESTRIAN-ASS CONTROLS AND NO CROSS-FUCKIN’ WALKS!!

THEY HAVE NO CHOICE!!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE CRAZY-ASS FOOLS TALKING ABOUT?!

SO, WE JUST CAN’T CROSS THE STREET, THEN!

THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SAYING!

IT’S OKAY TO RUN PEOPLE OVER!

ENCOURAGED, EVEN.

SERVES US RIGHT!

"Aw, he’s a black guy. Nobody will miss him. They’ll make more!"

I GUESS SO!

IF IT WERE ME, I’D SUE THE CITY, THEN. IF THE LADY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE THE GUY JAYWALKED IN A PLACE WITH NO CROSSWALKS, AND THE GUY JAYWALKED BECAUSE CROSSWALKS DON’T EXIST, THEN HE WAS KILLED BECAUSE THIS STUPID-ASS CITY DOESN’T HAVE ANY PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO CROSS THE GODDAMN STREET!!

IT’S THE CITY’S FAULT!

COMPARATIVE NEGLIGENCE, MUTHAFUCKAZ!!

  • Mom:

    "Heh. I'm 'hard to take'."

  • Me:

    "Yeah. Ain't that some shit? YOUR people died trying to free HER people from THESE people, and the guy who's making fun of you, with his hucked-out semi-coherent ass, who probably thinks SHE'S too hard to take in 'HIS' state, is probably a registered member of the KKK, and she agrees with HIM that YOU'RE hard to take."

  • Mom:

    "Yeah. My people freed hers. Like Harriet Beecher Stowe."

  • Me:

    "..."

  • Mom:

    "..."

  • Me:

    "...sure, her too, if you say so..." *thumbs up

  • Mom:

    "OH C'MON, NOW! YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS!"

  • Me:

    "Nope. No, don't believe that I do, but..."

  • Mom:

    "HUH. Harriet Beecher Stowe. Go look it up. EDUCATE yourself."

  • Me:

    "Harriet Beecher Stowe... Bitch sounds like a candy manufacturer...AND a law firm. A candy company-slash-law firm!"

  • Mom:

    "HELLO? HARRIET BEECHER STOWE? THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD?!"

  • Me:

    "..."

  • Mom:

    "...?"

  • Me:

    "MAN, THAT'S SOME OTHER HARRIET!

  • Mom:

    "HUH?!"

  • Me:

    "YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HARRIET TUBMAN!!"

  • Mom:

    "..."

  • Me:

    "!!"

  • Mom:

    "...oh."

I would go to work on the show and I felt awful every day, that’s not the way it was…I felt like some kind of prostitute or something. If I feel so bad, why keep on showing up to this place? I’m going to Africa. The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching. By

Dave Chappelle. Very familiar situation to ours; ours being from a “broke-ass loser” perspective to Dave’s “rich and famous” one. But the concept is the same: go to work at/live in a place that makes you feel like shit everyday, and makes you feel used up and pimped out, and you ask yourself if it’s really worth it. To other people, it is, because it’s all they know. For you, it isn’t, because you know better. So you say fuck it, and take a break in order to really take the time to re-evaluate yourself and your situation, and you vow to be true to your own principles instead of putting on some kind of show that’s not worth it for other people who also aren’t worth it.

And…in similar fashion, the people think you’re crazy for doing it. They’re not the crazy ones for not doing it. The situation isn’t crazy for making you feel forced to have to do it.

YOU’RE the one who’s crazy.

Whatever.

Instead of saying Dave’s crazy for walking out on $50mil and running straight for South Africa, maybe you should ask him or yourselves how fucked up shit had to be in order to make a sane, smart, and talented man feel he must walk out on $50mil and get away for a long while in South Africa.

Maybe America and its $50mil wasn’t as worth it as you’d think, when it made Dave feel like a miserable prostitute who had to make due with extremes and give up on himself in order to earn it.

Just like how Anniston and its poverty wages aren’t worth all the humiliation and injuries and drudgery and that same exact feeling of being a kind of miserable prostitute every day, when you can be just as poor and a lot more free and true to yourself away from all of that shit, and actually have time to think and “wake up” and take a long look at yourself and around yourself. Instead of hating us for being anti-social, ask yourselves just what kind of fucked up shit had to happen to make these worldly, accomplished, outgoing motherfuckers too afraid to leave their own goddamn house.

Maybe people who are willing to go through all of that trouble and humiliation and exploitation just to be rich or to appear productive to other people are the ones who are crazy, or are contributing to a lot of the “dog-eat-dog” craziness in this society.

And, like Dave, all I really want is to live on a farm somewhere. I don’t really give a shit about money or success or respectability or popularity or the opinions of others. I just want to grow my own food and keep my own company, studying the shit I want to study and enjoying the shit I want to enjoy, and live my life on my own terms, and you can keep your cable and your iPhones and your designer suits and your entertainment and your cars and your idols and your competition and your expectations.

The only reason why I’ve ever cared about money or success is because other people are trying to force us all to. Somehow, being alive and healthy and free and happy ended up relying solely on having and earning money instead of having and being guaranteed rights, even though one must give up that very freedom and happiness and health and lifetime in order to pay for rights that they’re already supposedly guaranteed. My dignity and my life and my freedom have always been more important to me than somebody else’s money or estimation of my worth to them or to their crazy idea of this society.

I don’t have to justify my existence to anyone, especially with money, just like Dave didn’t have to justify himself to anyone with it. And just because we made hard choices different from what some might have, that doesn’t make us insane.

"They deem me mad because I will not sell my days for gold; and I deem them mad because they think my days have a price."-Khalil Gibran