My name is Tony. I'm the greatest loser you'll ever know. I'm broke. My wallet has dust on it. I'm unemployed. I'm unemployable. So is my whole family. I don't have my own place. I live with my mom. I can't drive. I can't even ride a bike. I did have a bike-tire parked up my ass-crack, though. I'm still a virgin. I haven't had a girlfriend in 15 years. I've been beat up, arrested, robbed, mauled by animals, stalked, starved, dragged around a parking lot by my own mom's car...You name it. This blog is like religion: just believe it. Everything I tell you is as true as I am stupid.
BMW bitch kills a man with her car, and there won’t be any charges against her…
It was HIS fault, because he jaywalked…as opposed to WHAT?
THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN QUINTARD.
THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN ANNISTON!!
I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY IN 16 YEARS!
THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I’VE BEEN TO WHERE THERE AREN’T ANY MUTHAFUCKIN’ CROSSWALKS!!
I MEAN, LITERALLY: WE ACTUALLY SAY TO OURSELVES “Gee, y’know what? This crazy-ass place ain’t got no muthafuckin’ crosswalks! What’s up with THAT?”
EVERY TIME ANYONE CROSSES THE STREET, THEY ARE JAYWALKING!
JAYWALKING?!
YOU CAN ONLY BE JAYWALKING IF THERE ARE CROSSWALKS!!
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS JAYWALKING HERE!
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CROSSWALKS!!
I CAN SIT MY ASS IN QUINTARD AND TAPE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CROSS THE STREET IN INCOMING TRAFFIC PRECISELY BECAUSE THERE ARE NO PEDESTRIAN-ASS CONTROLS AND NO CROSS-FUCKIN’ WALKS!!
THEY HAVE NO CHOICE!!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE CRAZY-ASS FOOLS TALKING ABOUT?!
SO, WE JUST CAN’T CROSS THE STREET, THEN!
THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SAYING!
IT’S OKAY TO RUN PEOPLE OVER!
ENCOURAGED, EVEN.
SERVES US RIGHT!
"Aw, he’s a black guy. Nobody will miss him. They’ll make more!"
I GUESS SO!
IF IT WERE ME, I’D SUE THE CITY, THEN. IF THE LADY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE THE GUY JAYWALKED IN A PLACE WITH NO CROSSWALKS, AND THE GUY JAYWALKED BECAUSE CROSSWALKS DON’T EXIST, THEN HE WAS KILLED BECAUSE THIS STUPID-ASS CITY DOESN’T HAVE ANY PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO CROSS THE GODDAMN STREET!!
IT’S THE CITY’S FAULT!
COMPARATIVE NEGLIGENCE, MUTHAFUCKAZ!!

BMW bitch kills a man with her car, and there won’t be any charges against her…

It was HIS fault, because he jaywalked…as opposed to WHAT?

THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN QUINTARD.

THERE ARE NO CROSSWALKS IN ANNISTON!!

I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY IN 16 YEARS!

THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I’VE BEEN TO WHERE THERE AREN’T ANY MUTHAFUCKIN’ CROSSWALKS!!

I MEAN, LITERALLY: WE ACTUALLY SAY TO OURSELVES “Gee, y’know what? This crazy-ass place ain’t got no muthafuckin’ crosswalks! What’s up with THAT?”

EVERY TIME ANYONE CROSSES THE STREET, THEY ARE JAYWALKING!

JAYWALKING?!

YOU CAN ONLY BE JAYWALKING IF THERE ARE CROSSWALKS!!

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS JAYWALKING HERE!

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CROSSWALKS!!

I CAN SIT MY ASS IN QUINTARD AND TAPE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CROSS THE STREET IN INCOMING TRAFFIC PRECISELY BECAUSE THERE ARE NO PEDESTRIAN-ASS CONTROLS AND NO CROSS-FUCKIN’ WALKS!!

THEY HAVE NO CHOICE!!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE CRAZY-ASS FOOLS TALKING ABOUT?!

SO, WE JUST CAN’T CROSS THE STREET, THEN!

THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE SAYING!

IT’S OKAY TO RUN PEOPLE OVER!

ENCOURAGED, EVEN.

SERVES US RIGHT!

"Aw, he’s a black guy. Nobody will miss him. They’ll make more!"

I GUESS SO!

IF IT WERE ME, I’D SUE THE CITY, THEN. IF THE LADY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE THE GUY JAYWALKED IN A PLACE WITH NO CROSSWALKS, AND THE GUY JAYWALKED BECAUSE CROSSWALKS DON’T EXIST, THEN HE WAS KILLED BECAUSE THIS STUPID-ASS CITY DOESN’T HAVE ANY PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO CROSS THE GODDAMN STREET!!

IT’S THE CITY’S FAULT!

COMPARATIVE NEGLIGENCE, MUTHAFUCKAZ!!

  • Mom:

    "Heh. I'm 'hard to take'."

  • Me:

    "Yeah. Ain't that some shit? YOUR people died trying to free HER people from THESE people, and the guy who's making fun of you, with his hucked-out semi-coherent ass, who probably thinks SHE'S too hard to take in 'HIS' state, is probably a registered member of the KKK, and she agrees with HIM that YOU'RE hard to take."

  • Mom:

    "Yeah. My people freed hers. Like Harriet Beecher Stowe."

  • Me:

    "..."

  • Mom:

    "..."

  • Me:

    "...sure, her too, if you say so..." *thumbs up

  • Mom:

    "OH C'MON, NOW! YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS!"

  • Me:

    "Nope. No, don't believe that I do, but..."

  • Mom:

    "HUH. Harriet Beecher Stowe. Go look it up. EDUCATE yourself."

  • Me:

    "Harriet Beecher Stowe... Bitch sounds like a candy manufacturer...AND a law firm. A candy company-slash-law firm!"

  • Mom:

    "HELLO? HARRIET BEECHER STOWE? THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD?!"

  • Me:

    "..."

  • Mom:

    "...?"

  • Me:

    "MAN, THAT'S SOME OTHER HARRIET!

  • Mom:

    "HUH?!"

  • Me:

    "YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HARRIET TUBMAN!!"

  • Mom:

    "..."

  • Me:

    "!!"

  • Mom:

    "...oh."