My name is Tony. I'm the greatest loser you'll ever know. I'm broke. My wallet has dust on it. I'm unemployed. I'm unemployable. So is my whole family. I don't have my own place. I live with my mom. I can't drive. I can't even ride a bike. I did have a bike-tire parked up my ass-crack, though. I'm still a virgin. I haven't had a girlfriend in 15 years. I've been beat up, arrested, robbed, mauled by animals, stalked, starved, dragged around a parking lot by my own mom's car...You name it. This blog is like religion: just believe it. Everything I tell you is as true as I am stupid.
Reblogged from lulz-time  316,987 notes
queerfabulousmermaid:

cadet-skittlezx:

I WONDER THIS ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME.

oh shit

Yeah… Just like how rich people say they can’t afford their taxes, but spent $3Bil in one year on hiring the same politicians. That’s free, waste-able money right there. To help the poor, or to help fix public schools, or to help pay down the national debt… It’s the same for paying athletes $10mil for a contract, or politicians getting $175k a year for doing nothing, or us looking the other way while damn near bankrupt and legally embattled companies have dirt poor employees while the CEO’s and shareholders take in millions a year in bonuses and profits for themselves, or how our government spends over $600Bil a year on our overpowered military while the country it defends is barely getting by, or how, in my town, we have sparkling new police equipment in a place that’s otherwise going down the shitter, or, like this says, $7Mil on a commercial for starving kids, but not for the kids, themselves. It’s all a scam. Business is about making money off of other people’s misery. It’s like George Carlin said: They’d have already come up with a way to fix poverty if there was money in it.

queerfabulousmermaid:

cadet-skittlezx:

I WONDER THIS ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME.

oh shit

Yeah… Just like how rich people say they can’t afford their taxes, but spent $3Bil in one year on hiring the same politicians. That’s free, waste-able money right there. To help the poor, or to help fix public schools, or to help pay down the national debt… It’s the same for paying athletes $10mil for a contract, or politicians getting $175k a year for doing nothing, or us looking the other way while damn near bankrupt and legally embattled companies have dirt poor employees while the CEO’s and shareholders take in millions a year in bonuses and profits for themselves, or how our government spends over $600Bil a year on our overpowered military while the country it defends is barely getting by, or how, in my town, we have sparkling new police equipment in a place that’s otherwise going down the shitter, or, like this says, $7Mil on a commercial for starving kids, but not for the kids, themselves. It’s all a scam. Business is about making money off of other people’s misery. It’s like George Carlin said: They’d have already come up with a way to fix poverty if there was money in it.

Well, DAMN!
Quintard Mall’s being foreclosed on!!
That’s fucked up.
The reasons they say why that is?
Sluggish economy and competition with internet retailers…
Now, I don’t know if you recall the last time I had addressed this, what I call, “accusation” that Alabama leaders keep shitting out of their mouths about how we “little people” are to blame for local retailers having trouble, but it pisses me off.
It pisses me off so much that, when my mom told me this morning about Quintard Mall going bankrupt because of internet retailers, I started the same big-ass rant I did the last time these assholes tried to blame us for their failures.
Woke my tired ass RIGHT up. Who needs coffee?
But BASICALLY, it’s like this: YES, we do go buy shit off of the internet (whenever we have some money, that is), and the reason why is because:
1. The people, here are shit to deal with, either via stupidity or meanness (usually both).
2. The areas to shop are scary or lousy. They let this whole place fall apart!
3. The products are usually fucked up or inferior. You never know what you’re getting until it’s too damn late!
4. Anniston’s (indeed Alabama’s), dare I say, simplistic and “culturally-focused” products and services are lazy and lack variety. Not everyone wants Paula Deen’s Ham Sausage, Moonpies, Natural Ice, Duck Dynasty memorabilia, UAB fan merchandise, NASCAR stuff, fattening and tasteless fast food/chain restaurants, etc…Y’KNOW?! My mom even said this morning that she never needed anything from fuckin’ SEARS or JC Penny at the mall. That’s not her fault.
5. Alabama employers don’t pay their workers enough to afford this shit at their prices.
6. Anniston/Oxford’s additional sales taxes are too fuckin’ much!
7. I live in Anniston. Slogging to Oxford to go to some boring mall is a bitch.
8. And lastly: I live in Alabama. Slogging through Alabama to go to anywhere in Alabama is a bitch.
Therefor: I’m ordering my cheaper, better-quality, more diverse, more creative, more sophisticated products from safer, nicer, more professional, more helpful, and more intelligent people right off the goddamn internet. And you can either try to force discerning customers on a small budget to buy only from your shitty stores like some dictatorship, or you can actually modernize yourselves.
Actually realize that this is a diverse country with a variety of tastes and needs. That not everyone is white, conservative, Christian, and all that. We like Mexican tiles and sculptures at my house. We like German food. I like handmade Japanese swords (which I had to sell just to not die, here), we liked ethnic foodcart vendors from the big cities, etc. YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ NONE OF THAT SHIT HERE! We are forced to only choose from what southern white folks like.
Actually realize that, as you say, the local economy is “sluggish” (actually, it’s FUCKED. You’ve seen my pictures! After Ft. McClellan closed down, we’ve hit the fuckin’ SKIDS, man!). WE CAN’T AFFORD YOUR LOW-QUALITY SHIT! Honestly, when it comes to getting shitty shit from Anniston’s Walmart, or going all the way to Oxford to get the same shitty shit from Quintard Mall, we’re going to Walmart!!
Hire people who aren’t assholes. And do something about the crime, too, instead of making money off of it.
Fix some of this shit, and we’ll fuckin’ see. Until then, like I said, I’m doing my shopping online. But it’s your job to offer shit that’s better than your competition instead of blaming other people for your problems. You guys like to tell poor people that they’re poor because they’re irresponsible, but when you guys fuck up, you blame everyone else instead of taking responsibility for it.
KNOCK IT OFF!!

Well, DAMN!

Quintard Mall’s being foreclosed on!!

That’s fucked up.

The reasons they say why that is?

Sluggish economy and competition with internet retailers…

Now, I don’t know if you recall the last time I had addressed this, what I call, “accusation” that Alabama leaders keep shitting out of their mouths about how we “little people” are to blame for local retailers having trouble, but it pisses me off.

It pisses me off so much that, when my mom told me this morning about Quintard Mall going bankrupt because of internet retailers, I started the same big-ass rant I did the last time these assholes tried to blame us for their failures.

Woke my tired ass RIGHT up. Who needs coffee?

But BASICALLY, it’s like this: YES, we do go buy shit off of the internet (whenever we have some money, that is), and the reason why is because:

1. The people, here are shit to deal with, either via stupidity or meanness (usually both).

2. The areas to shop are scary or lousy. They let this whole place fall apart!

3. The products are usually fucked up or inferior. You never know what you’re getting until it’s too damn late!

4. Anniston’s (indeed Alabama’s), dare I say, simplistic and “culturally-focused” products and services are lazy and lack variety. Not everyone wants Paula Deen’s Ham Sausage, Moonpies, Natural Ice, Duck Dynasty memorabilia, UAB fan merchandise, NASCAR stuff, fattening and tasteless fast food/chain restaurants, etc…Y’KNOW?! My mom even said this morning that she never needed anything from fuckin’ SEARS or JC Penny at the mall. That’s not her fault.

5. Alabama employers don’t pay their workers enough to afford this shit at their prices.

6. Anniston/Oxford’s additional sales taxes are too fuckin’ much!

7. I live in Anniston. Slogging to Oxford to go to some boring mall is a bitch.

8. And lastly: I live in Alabama. Slogging through Alabama to go to anywhere in Alabama is a bitch.

Therefor: I’m ordering my cheaper, better-quality, more diverse, more creative, more sophisticated products from safer, nicer, more professional, more helpful, and more intelligent people right off the goddamn internet. And you can either try to force discerning customers on a small budget to buy only from your shitty stores like some dictatorship, or you can actually modernize yourselves.

Actually realize that this is a diverse country with a variety of tastes and needs. That not everyone is white, conservative, Christian, and all that. We like Mexican tiles and sculptures at my house. We like German food. I like handmade Japanese swords (which I had to sell just to not die, here), we liked ethnic foodcart vendors from the big cities, etc. YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ NONE OF THAT SHIT HERE! We are forced to only choose from what southern white folks like.

Actually realize that, as you say, the local economy is “sluggish” (actually, it’s FUCKED. You’ve seen my pictures! After Ft. McClellan closed down, we’ve hit the fuckin’ SKIDS, man!). WE CAN’T AFFORD YOUR LOW-QUALITY SHIT! Honestly, when it comes to getting shitty shit from Anniston’s Walmart, or going all the way to Oxford to get the same shitty shit from Quintard Mall, we’re going to Walmart!!

Hire people who aren’t assholes. And do something about the crime, too, instead of making money off of it.

Fix some of this shit, and we’ll fuckin’ see. Until then, like I said, I’m doing my shopping online. But it’s your job to offer shit that’s better than your competition instead of blaming other people for your problems. You guys like to tell poor people that they’re poor because they’re irresponsible, but when you guys fuck up, you blame everyone else instead of taking responsibility for it.

KNOCK IT OFF!!

PC Accents…

I vaguely remember some Oscar Wilde quote about how there are no rules to writing, which people have posted on Tumblr before, usually followed by a huge-ass list of politically correct rules about things THEY think you’re not allowed to write about when you create a novel…

…things such as “Stop having white male main characters.”, or “Stop having non-Asians use katanas”, or “Make women characters feminists.”, or “You have to have Gay heroes”, and this and that and shut the fuck up.

NO. THIS AIN’T BURGER KING! YOU CAN’T HAVE IT YOUR WAY AT B.K!!

Write your own story. Create what you want to create. I don’t want troped-up protagonists, and I don’t want stupid, offensive shit in the books that I read either, but SHIT, it’s not for somebody else to tell the author how to create what they create, otherwise why would they even bother? Part of the appeal of being an author is not having a boss, and not having rules! The publishers can choose not to publish what you wrote, and the readers can choose not to buy what you wrote, but nobody gets to tell you how to write what you’re thinking and feeling. “HOW DARE YOU NOT MAKE HARRY POTTER A TRANS, BLACK EASTER BUNNY, J.K. ROWLING?! DO IT RIGHT NEXT TIME, OR YOU’RE THROUGH WITH WRITING!!”

If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Or better yet, create the characters and stories and social commentaries that you see lacking in writing YOURSELF.

That’s all I’ll say about that. I’m gonna write the stories and tell the jokes and say the things I want, and I don’t give a shit who’s disappointed. If I wanted to be a politician, I’d do that instead! MMMKAY??

…and that said, out of ALL the bullshit, even if I could be persuaded about most of it, ONE THAT I SIMPLY CANNOT ABIDE IS SOME ASSHOLE TELLING ME HOW I CAN’T WRITE OUT SOMEBODY’S ACCENT THE WAY I HEAR IT.

FUCK.

YOU!

No. I’m gonna! And you know why? Because I refuse to write out that “Tony, in his southern black dialect, said “Man, those aren’t black people’s drugs, those are white people’s drugs!”, because THAT’S NOT HOW HE FUCKIN’ SAID IT, and it ISN’T AS FUNNY TO ME!

He said it like “MAAAAAYNE, DEM AIN’T BLACK PEOPLE DRUG, DEM IS WHITE PEOPLE DRUG!!”

As a matter of fact, the whole scene in my head is:

"I arrived at health class a little earlier than normal, and sat down in my desk. Right after, Tony Wilson came shambling in like a zombie, bumping into other students, and then crashed into his own seat like a chunk space debris, sending his own desk smacking into mine. His eyes were all bloodshot, and he looked agitated. VERY agitated.

When he looked at me, I said “DAAAAAMN, SON!”, and he told me “Sheeeeit, nigga. I done took me a hit ‘a weed’ n a couple ‘a pills ‘fo I gots here…” “What fuckin’ pills?”, I asked. He replied casually “…ecstacy.”

I was totally shocked that Tony would come to school so obviously fucked up. On TWO ecstasy pills! They were going to catch him! I started on him. “ECSTACY?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU-“, but he cut me off right there, and asked “Ay, mayne? I done took me a hit ‘a weed ‘n dem couple ‘a ecstacy pills, ‘n shit, and I think I’m high! Do I look high?”

I tried to answer him. “Uh…well…” Then he quickly said “Smell me. Do I smell high?” I was like “W-what?!” all shocked at the question out of nowhere, and because I didn’t give him the immediate answer he was looking for, he lost it right then and there! “SCHMELL ME, NIGGA! SCHMELL ME, NIGGA!!”, Tony yelled, as he exploded into a crazy-ass rage, moving both our desks back as he got up, making everyone else step far away back, and got a little TOO damn close to me, to be honest. I almost thought some prison-level shit was popping off, like on an episode of Lockup: Raw, and I didn’t want to have to fight off a lunatic who’s high on sex drugs.

On the other hand, I did NOT want to smell this guy.

At ALL.

But Tony wasn’t looking like he was giving me a choice.

And nobody else was jumping in to help me, either. I was caught in a bit of a pickle, with this crazy, red-eyed, high dude flexing and flinching at me. AGAIN. Just like last time…

Why does this shit always happen to me?

LUCKILY, right after that scary shit, Coach Fresno comes waddling into the class room just when the bell rings. “Yaw gawn git tew yer seat!”, he tells the class, and even Tony realizes that nobody’s going to smell his ass today, and sits down, and I breathe a big sigh of relief. I dodged another stupid-ass bullet.

But the story’s not over, because Coach Fresno had to pick today of all days to talk about nothing other than drugs; a subject that Tony was a little bit too familiar with for my comfort. “Y’all’s gawn ‘head ‘n put away yer text books,’cause Tewday, we’s gawn be tawkin’ bout us some huffin’.”

"HUFFIN’? WHUT DAT IS?!”, Tony yelled, looking very agitated at the coach, while scratching his neck.

Coach Fresno took that as scholarly enthusiasm, looked Tony right in his bloodshot eyes, and calmly explained himself. “Huffin’ is when yew ain’t gawts yew ‘nuff money fer sum’a them more ‘spensive drugs such as ‘merrie-wawna’, or CO-caine, ‘n so now yew done gawn have’ta¬† git’chew a can ‘a paint, or some good ol’ fashioned fangernail pawlish, an’ yew jus’ gawn have’ta huff it, in a paper bag, or right out the bottle, ‘n what-nawt, so…”

Everyone looked at the coach all confused, as he was basically teaching everyone how to huff chemicals, but none looked more confused, ironically, than high-ass Tony Wilson, who looked puzzled for a moment, still scratching his neck, and then yelled “MAAAAAYNE, DEM AIN’T BLACK PEOPLE DRUG, DEM IS WHITE PEOPLE DRUG!!”

Coach Fresno just scratched his own head, and everyone else was still confused, while I was wondering why the fuck did I bother coming to school that day? I had already skipped over a hundred days that year strictly because of stupid shit like this, and I shouldn’t have expected today to be different. Why is this teacher allowed to teach this stuff? Why can’t anyone else tell that Tony is higher than the International Space Station?

After it was all said and done, Tony ended up the corner rapping to himself, like a lot of people do at this school as a nervous tick, and when I came over to see him, he was like “Ay, nigga? DO YOU FLOW?” I said “Um…a little.” “I FLOW!”, he replied, and then started free-styling a bunch of shit right there-swearing and drugs and all that good shit-and the coach, nor anyone else, gave a flying fuck, like it was business as usual. And that’s not the weirdest shit I ever heard come out of Tony’s mouth, either.”

Now, did I have to write Tony Wilson and Coach Fresno that way?

YES. YES I MUTHAFUCKIN’ DID. Why?

Because there’s a difference with speaking English with any accent, and butchering the fuck out of it despite any accent. I write it as I hear it. Worked for Mark Twain!

And if you don’t like how I wrote it, then now you know exactly how I feel when I have to listen to it.